Learning to love my (new) body

*This post has also been run on The Detroit Moms Blog website*

Some days I wake up, stumble to the bathroom, and look in the mirror at my sleep deprived self and cry. I cry like an overly emotional teen age girl. Me! The 32 year old successful woman cries. It is kind of pathetic. I cry because I hate the body that is looking back at me in the mirror. If there was a spokesperson for shitty self-esteem and the person who is uncomfortable with their postpartum body the most, I would be that person! Plaster me all over the city, because I win the contest for hating my body the most!

Almost four and a half years ago I became a mother, left my passion for racing my bicycle behind to grow a child and give birth to him in my own home. Having children was everything I dreamed and wanted so badly, but I was not prepared for the changes my body would go through. I wish someone would have told me, to celebrate my pre-baby body for what it was, physically fit and toned. After giving birth, my views on my breasts and stomach changed. I hate them now. But seriously, how can I feel so negatively about my own self? I grew a child in that stomach and nursed that tiny baby with the milk from my breast! And yet I still hate the body staring back at me.

4th trimester bodies

Last winter the 4^th Trimester Body Project, came to Ann Arbor. I was so excited, I had been following Ashely Wells Jackson’s project since it started and could not believe she was actually coming to Michigan. I signed up so fast! The project is “dedicated to embracing the beauty inherent in the changes brought to our bodies by motherhood, childbirth and breastfeeding”. The week before the photo shoot, I went to Nordstrom to get a black bra and pair of underwear; as the photos are taken of mother and her children in black undergarments. At the time I was 8 weeks pregnant and still nursing my 16 month old Davin. I felt awkward and just plain fat, but excited to have the moment captured.  I arrived at the photo shoot full of amazing emotions and left a little while later in tears.  I was embarrassed that they were going to be online for all of the world to see. I was not prepared to see the images the camera captured. I buried the photos in my email and didn’t do anything with them for many months.

My bio with 4th trimester bodies

The last few weeks of my pregnancy with Ebe, I got the guts and sent the photos out to be printed and framed. I hung my favorite picture in the corner of my bedroom next to black and white silhouettes I had done of the boys during the summer. The photo began to grow on me. Did I really look that bad? Sure I have to some weight to lose, I was newly pregnant in the photo, and my body was far from perfect.

I can’t continue hating my figure for the rest of my life; who does that? It is time to stop the negative attitude, the shaming of myself and teaching my own children that one day their wives no longer have perfect bodies! This ends now.
 My body changed with pregnancy, why does society view me as no longer perfect? Sure, I could probably do a zillion workout vieos, start making better food choices and drop all of the baby weight, but what if I don’t? Am I flawed or should I be celebrated? I grew and fed a child with my own body!

From now on, I am going to celebrate the successes my body has accomplished instead of talking down to myself. I want to teach Ebe that one day, her body will change and it is nothing to be ashamed of. The more important thing is for me to be healthy so that I'm around for years to come to be a parent, not a cover girl.

*As of early June, I have returned to the sport of cycling and hope to compete in my first race post babies in early July 2015*